Shattered and Scattered

Fragment 1

When I fall, I fall hard
and fast, no reins
no brakes no guard,
recklessness drowning my veins.

It feels like jumping out of an endless sky
with my eyes set on an implacable depth,
having no care for where I lie if I die
knowing full well I go to my death.

Fragment 2

How do you solve a question with no solution?

Fragment 3

There are few joys in my life,
one of which is hope.
am I so depraved to deprive myself
of that which is my sustenance?

Fragment 4

Is being selfless selfish?

Fragment 5

I give and I give.
Sometimes I receive,
but it never replenishes.

Fragment 6
Can’t switch this off. Can’t crush it. Can’t. Wake up with it, burning me. Think I’ll crack open I want him so much.

I talk to him. He talks to me, you know, we, we know each other very well, he tells me things, we’re very close. About sex and how much it depresses him, and I know.

- Phaedra, from Sarah Kane’s Phaedra’s Love

[ a variation ]

I can’t switch you off. Can’t crush it. Can’t.

Wake up with it, burning me – the thought of you – burning me from within and without. I’m cracking open. I want you so much. I woke up this morning looking for you. Next to me. But you weren’t there.

I talk to you. You talk to me. You know. Me. We know each other well but not well enough – I want to know you more. You tell me things. We’re close. But not close enough. I want to feel your body next to me. Naked. Next to me. Top of me. Under me. I want to know you, mind body and soul.

We’re close. But not close enough. We tell each other things. About sex. Which never was depressing for me; until I met you. Because I can’t have you. Because all I can do is smell you. From a chair’s space away.

You know.